Overly Full

I decided to make Friday my off day. In terms of eating habits, it means I am free to eat whatever my heart desires. Normally, this works out well for me because I will just go ahead and eat until I am full (and content with eating my craved foods) and that’s all. But tonight, I ate half my dinner and as I sat on the couch noticing how I felt just perfectly full (not too much and not too little), I mindlessly got up and devoured the rest of the food straight from the refrigerator. Now I’m overly full…yuck.

Another Day. Another Struggle

Another day. Another struggle. The only thing keeping me from hopping in the car and going to Taco Bell is the fact that I’m feeling too lazy to get in the car and an occasional glimpse of a thin actress on the t.v. I hate feeling this way.

I’m stressing and not sure just how to deal with the stress. My mom told me last night that I just cannot do more than I can do in the moment. She’s right, I know, but living life on a moment by moment basis seems somehow…restrictive. As if the alternative of randomly bouncing all across the Pong screen of my mind is so much better. My pants size-tags testify to this.

We are funny creatures. Just yesterday I was singing the praises of discipline and basking in the glow of accomplishment. Today I’m schleping along.

Another day. Another struggle. Another chance.

In the Driver’s Seat

A friend of mine and I had an interesting conversation today about “being an adult.” Basically, we were musing over the realization that you can make decisions for yourself because it’s YOUR LIFE! I wish I had realized this 10 years ago. There are so many pitfalls I could have avoided had I not been waiting around for someone to step in and tell me what to do next…or procrastinating out of fear that I’d be punished for doing the wrong thing.

I’m still in a little shock after last night. I dragged my butt away from the computer and actually did some of the piddly things that needed to be done around the house, including scrubbing away at the spot where my dogs spilled a bottle of corn oil on the carpet. Eventually, I made my way back to the computer and worked on the novel I’m writing—for almost an hour.

I cannot help but think there must be something to this, and all I can put my finger on is that I feel like I have a little more control over all in my life. This carries over to my food. I have control over what I put in my body. This is an important concept…that I am the only being who decides what crosses over my tongue.

And my jeans actually fit this morning, so I didn’t walk around all day with a waistband digging into my body.

My To Do List

I am desperately seeking balance right now. I think I may have stumbled upon something valuable yesterday with my question about finding the place in my life where I feel competent and can eat like a normal person.

Today is my first real challenge with this idea. I’m feeling really sad right now because of a family situation. Basically, I’m caught because someone dear to me is angry at me. That’s fine, but this person refuses to talk to me. All I hear from everyone else in the family is that I need to forgive and how funny it is that this person and I cannot seem to get along. I’m lost in the middle of this. I’m screaming at the top of my lungs that I am not the one with the problem. I want to find a resolution, but this person refuses to speak to ME!

So this is weighing heavily on my soul today because being unheard in your own life is a very sad thing, indeed. And the temptation is there to drown myself in food because what’s the point of being healthy—physically or mentally—if no one is there to notice you.

I know I have a choice. I have a to-do list sitting right here in front of me. Really, it’s nothing terribly difficult; I should be able to have most of it done in an hour. That still leaves me time to work on a short story and make a phone call or two.

I’ll be honest. I really don’t know which I will choose the moment I walk away from this computer. You must understand that I want to say I will take the higher the road, but there are no guarantees. The human spirit is so fragile and the mind so deceptive.

For now, I need to cry. And then I hope I will muster all my strength to push on.

Is Balance Really Possible?

I’ve been in denial for far too long about my eating habits. Since I started sharing them, I’ve found that I’m certainly not alone. There’s an odd comfort in that. Who knew that I wasn’t the only person in the world who did weird things with food (like eating the rest of the lime squares and old egg rolls last night at 2 a.m. while planning what excuse to give my husband for the missing food)?

I managed to get keep my eating under control today, but I’ve let a lot of the rest of my life go. To keep myself on track, I sat at the computer long enough for my dogs to pull a bottle of oil out of the pantry and spill it all over the carpet. My living room now looks like a disaster zone. The laundry is still not put away. And my never ending to-do list is growing. I never made it to the elliptical machine. I didn’t get any writing or work on my online course done. Is there really a balance out there where I can feel competent in my own life and eat like a normal person?

This is an interesting question for me tonight, and I will think about it while I fall asleep tonight.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

I caught a glimpse of my hips in the mirror yesterday and was stunned by their width. I find it so amazing that I was 35 pounds lighter one year ago and able to wear all the clothes that are in my closet. You’d think this would be enough of a motivator for me. But no. I’ve managed to eat my own weight in Chinese food, ice cream, and lime squares yesterday. Today I’m aiming even higher with a Sweet Sixteen bag of donuts and breakfast from McDonald’s. What’s even sadder is that as soon as I got in my car this morning, I devoured the remaining potato wedges that I bought last night and hid there so my husband wouldn’t find them.

Why do I do this? What void am I trying to fill?  It seems silly to me, but there must be a reason for all this.

I read that Aquarians have this eery ability to visualize what they want to happen and wait for it. I did this when I wanted to start teaching. I visualized myself in front of the chalkboard and pulling into the parking lot of the school where I wanted to work. Just five months later, I was there. I think I need to try this.

Here are my goals for this week:

• Visualize myself exercising, eating well, and being thin.
• Get on the elliptical for a minimum of 30 min. each day this week.
• Drink my water.
• No eating in the car.

Small Beginnings

I pulled out of the Sonic drive-thru and popped a tater tot in my mouth. Normally, I love tater tots. I’d totally swipe them off someone’s lunch tray and stuff them away in my pocket for later. This particular tater tot had a chewy consistency, like it *had* been sitting around in someone’s pocket. That in itself is a scary thought, and most people would have stopped eating the tater tots. Not me. I paid for them, thank you, and I was going to get my money’s worth. And I did. I ate every single, chewy, stale tater tot in the box, and with each bite, I thought about every time I’ve heard someone say, “Don’t eat it if you don’t want it.”

So why did I do it? What was I trying to prove? That question has haunted me for years. I have no answer now, but I hope that I find the answers here…in the process.

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