My New Experiment

Pat me on the back. I’ve actually climbed aboard my elliptical machine two nights in a row! I won’t lie to you; I still resent every single minute I’m spinning my legs, but I do enjoy the elation I feel when I step off it. If only I could bottle that feeling!

So tonight I was thinking about my weight and my eating habits because today I sat down and ate an entire box of Little Debbie Fudge Swiss Rolls for no other reason than they were there. One thing I have discovered about myself is that I am much less likely to eat an entire box of snack cakes after a workout. It’s something about that body glow. I’m going to try a little experiment. Instead of shooting for a one hour workout, I’m going to split them up into two thirty-minute workouts. This should also help some with my boredom problem.

I firmly believe that weight loss, like life, is all about discovering what works for you. More about this idea later.

Why Do You Eat?

“You should go get some Dexatrim to keep you from eating at night.”

“But appetite isn’t really my problem.”

“What? How can appetite not be your problem? Why do you eat?”

If I had an answer for that, I’d be almost as wealthy as the creator of Dexatrim. I was thinking of this today as I tried to figure out what to get for lunch today. And I thought of it some more while I inhaled my way too many calories and then intentionally consumed a piece of apple pie. The apple pie is tragic because (1) it really wasn’t very tasty and (2) I really don’t like apple pie.

So why did I eat the pie slice? For one thing, I paid almost $3.00 for it. I didn’t want to feel like I was throwing away my money. I liked the feeling of the crust inside my mouth, the way it melted and pressed against my tongue. I also thoroughly loved sitting by myself with the pie and was putting off letting the dogs back in and getting to work on some odds and ends around here. And you know, as much as I hate the feeling of being overly full, I absolutely LOVE the feeling of a filled belly.  It makes me feel complete.

Just looking over the list leads me to believe that I’m not doing enough to feel satisfied in my life. Okay, so I KNOW that I’m not doing enough to feel satisfied. Revelation is a wonderful thing, but it needs to lead to action. I suppose that’s my next step.

Just a Quick Update

My life feels like a Tilt-O-Whirl right now. For the next three weeks, I will be packing and cleaning and moving and getting ready for a new year with new students and co-workers. To say that I’m stunned is an understatement. All in all, life is good, if not excitingly terrifying for the moment.

It seems something has shifted in my head again. I broke down and went for a massage yesterday. While on the table I couldn’t help but think about how important it is to take care of my body. Later, I was watching Shalom in the Home, and he said something about how our bodies are on loan from God. I suppose this is enough for me to really throw myself in to creating balance in my life, and for me, that starts with food.

All this takes me back to the one thing that seemed to help me get my focus last year. I really do believe that health is not a one-size-fits-all endeavor. What has worked for my family and friends may or may not work for me, so I have to ask myself what does work. Then I have to answer honestly. I know that what works is cutting out processed foods, exercising daily, reminding myself that I have choices in life, and taking a parent stance with my head. (That means I will verbally tell myself no when I throw a tantrum about Dairy Queen.)

In reality, that’s not a difficult list. I know this works. Just today, I reminded myself that I could choose to go through the drive thru for lunch or I could just come home. I came home. I’ll write more about this later because I believe this is an important concept for anyone with an eating disorder. We all have choices.

I Suck

Sigh.

That’s what I have to say.

I’m fighting each moment with the voice in my head that wants to me eat. This blasted voice keeps arguing with me that it’s okay to get dressed and go out in the rain to Dairy Queen or the corner store for a Blizzard or Moonpies or my favorite peanut butter pie. So far I’ve countered with some string cheese and dried fruit, and not-so-satisfying salad with turkey and cottage cheese. Then I’m bombarded with orgasmic fantasies of sitting at Sweet Tomatoes and gorging myself on their salad bar and soups and corn muffins. My best “mom” voice comes out then reminding me that I can go there on Friday…for my off meal.

This sucks. I suck. Why can’t I just get my stuff together? How do I wake up all pumped for the day ahead of me only to be sideswiped by these stupid food fantasies? I want to scream right now!

Overly Full

I decided to make Friday my off day. In terms of eating habits, it means I am free to eat whatever my heart desires. Normally, this works out well for me because I will just go ahead and eat until I am full (and content with eating my craved foods) and that’s all. But tonight, I ate half my dinner and as I sat on the couch noticing how I felt just perfectly full (not too much and not too little), I mindlessly got up and devoured the rest of the food straight from the refrigerator. Now I’m overly full…yuck.

Another Day. Another Struggle

Another day. Another struggle. The only thing keeping me from hopping in the car and going to Taco Bell is the fact that I’m feeling too lazy to get in the car and an occasional glimpse of a thin actress on the t.v. I hate feeling this way.

I’m stressing and not sure just how to deal with the stress. My mom told me last night that I just cannot do more than I can do in the moment. She’s right, I know, but living life on a moment by moment basis seems somehow…restrictive. As if the alternative of randomly bouncing all across the Pong screen of my mind is so much better. My pants size-tags testify to this.

We are funny creatures. Just yesterday I was singing the praises of discipline and basking in the glow of accomplishment. Today I’m schleping along.

Another day. Another struggle. Another chance.

In the Driver’s Seat

A friend of mine and I had an interesting conversation today about “being an adult.” Basically, we were musing over the realization that you can make decisions for yourself because it’s YOUR LIFE! I wish I had realized this 10 years ago. There are so many pitfalls I could have avoided had I not been waiting around for someone to step in and tell me what to do next…or procrastinating out of fear that I’d be punished for doing the wrong thing.

I’m still in a little shock after last night. I dragged my butt away from the computer and actually did some of the piddly things that needed to be done around the house, including scrubbing away at the spot where my dogs spilled a bottle of corn oil on the carpet. Eventually, I made my way back to the computer and worked on the novel I’m writing—for almost an hour.

I cannot help but think there must be something to this, and all I can put my finger on is that I feel like I have a little more control over all in my life. This carries over to my food. I have control over what I put in my body. This is an important concept…that I am the only being who decides what crosses over my tongue.

And my jeans actually fit this morning, so I didn’t walk around all day with a waistband digging into my body.

Is Balance Really Possible?

I’ve been in denial for far too long about my eating habits. Since I started sharing them, I’ve found that I’m certainly not alone. There’s an odd comfort in that. Who knew that I wasn’t the only person in the world who did weird things with food (like eating the rest of the lime squares and old egg rolls last night at 2 a.m. while planning what excuse to give my husband for the missing food)?

I managed to get keep my eating under control today, but I’ve let a lot of the rest of my life go. To keep myself on track, I sat at the computer long enough for my dogs to pull a bottle of oil out of the pantry and spill it all over the carpet. My living room now looks like a disaster zone. The laundry is still not put away. And my never ending to-do list is growing. I never made it to the elliptical machine. I didn’t get any writing or work on my online course done. Is there really a balance out there where I can feel competent in my own life and eat like a normal person?

This is an interesting question for me tonight, and I will think about it while I fall asleep tonight.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

I caught a glimpse of my hips in the mirror yesterday and was stunned by their width. I find it so amazing that I was 35 pounds lighter one year ago and able to wear all the clothes that are in my closet. You’d think this would be enough of a motivator for me. But no. I’ve managed to eat my own weight in Chinese food, ice cream, and lime squares yesterday. Today I’m aiming even higher with a Sweet Sixteen bag of donuts and breakfast from McDonald’s. What’s even sadder is that as soon as I got in my car this morning, I devoured the remaining potato wedges that I bought last night and hid there so my husband wouldn’t find them.

Why do I do this? What void am I trying to fill?  It seems silly to me, but there must be a reason for all this.

I read that Aquarians have this eery ability to visualize what they want to happen and wait for it. I did this when I wanted to start teaching. I visualized myself in front of the chalkboard and pulling into the parking lot of the school where I wanted to work. Just five months later, I was there. I think I need to try this.

Here are my goals for this week:

• Visualize myself exercising, eating well, and being thin.
• Get on the elliptical for a minimum of 30 min. each day this week.
• Drink my water.
• No eating in the car.

Small Beginnings

I pulled out of the Sonic drive-thru and popped a tater tot in my mouth. Normally, I love tater tots. I’d totally swipe them off someone’s lunch tray and stuff them away in my pocket for later. This particular tater tot had a chewy consistency, like it *had* been sitting around in someone’s pocket. That in itself is a scary thought, and most people would have stopped eating the tater tots. Not me. I paid for them, thank you, and I was going to get my money’s worth. And I did. I ate every single, chewy, stale tater tot in the box, and with each bite, I thought about every time I’ve heard someone say, “Don’t eat it if you don’t want it.”

So why did I do it? What was I trying to prove? That question has haunted me for years. I have no answer now, but I hope that I find the answers here…in the process.