Is Balance Really Possible?

I’ve been in denial for far too long about my eating habits. Since I started sharing them, I’ve found that I’m certainly not alone. There’s an odd comfort in that. Who knew that I wasn’t the only person in the world who did weird things with food (like eating the rest of the lime squares and old egg rolls last night at 2 a.m. while planning what excuse to give my husband for the missing food)?

I managed to get keep my eating under control today, but I’ve let a lot of the rest of my life go. To keep myself on track, I sat at the computer long enough for my dogs to pull a bottle of oil out of the pantry and spill it all over the carpet. My living room now looks like a disaster zone. The laundry is still not put away. And my never ending to-do list is growing. I never made it to the elliptical machine. I didn’t get any writing or work on my online course done. Is there really a balance out there where I can feel competent in my own life and eat like a normal person?

This is an interesting question for me tonight, and I will think about it while I fall asleep tonight.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

I caught a glimpse of my hips in the mirror yesterday and was stunned by their width. I find it so amazing that I was 35 pounds lighter one year ago and able to wear all the clothes that are in my closet. You’d think this would be enough of a motivator for me. But no. I’ve managed to eat my own weight in Chinese food, ice cream, and lime squares yesterday. Today I’m aiming even higher with a Sweet Sixteen bag of donuts and breakfast from McDonald’s. What’s even sadder is that as soon as I got in my car this morning, I devoured the remaining potato wedges that I bought last night and hid there so my husband wouldn’t find them.

Why do I do this? What void am I trying to fill?  It seems silly to me, but there must be a reason for all this.

I read that Aquarians have this eery ability to visualize what they want to happen and wait for it. I did this when I wanted to start teaching. I visualized myself in front of the chalkboard and pulling into the parking lot of the school where I wanted to work. Just five months later, I was there. I think I need to try this.

Here are my goals for this week:

• Visualize myself exercising, eating well, and being thin.
• Get on the elliptical for a minimum of 30 min. each day this week.
• Drink my water.
• No eating in the car.

Small Beginnings

I pulled out of the Sonic drive-thru and popped a tater tot in my mouth. Normally, I love tater tots. I’d totally swipe them off someone’s lunch tray and stuff them away in my pocket for later. This particular tater tot had a chewy consistency, like it *had* been sitting around in someone’s pocket. That in itself is a scary thought, and most people would have stopped eating the tater tots. Not me. I paid for them, thank you, and I was going to get my money’s worth. And I did. I ate every single, chewy, stale tater tot in the box, and with each bite, I thought about every time I’ve heard someone say, “Don’t eat it if you don’t want it.”

So why did I do it? What was I trying to prove? That question has haunted me for years. I have no answer now, but I hope that I find the answers here…in the process.

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